Relax

RELAX

Father God, thank You for Your love and presence in our lives. Jesus Christ we honour You as our God, Saviour and King! Holy Spirit thank You for living inside of me! Amen!

This is the third of a few matrimonial articles, focusing on the word MARRIAGE. The first article titled Introvert meets Extrovert and focused on Me, Myself and I as well as Adjustment in the marriage. The second article focused on the topic of having a Rock Solid Marriage. This article will focus on making sure that you Relax in your marriage as well.

M – Me, Myself and I

A – Adjust – Introvert meets Extrovert

R – Rock Solid

R – Relax

I – Inspire

A – Affection

G – Grow

E – Eternal

I have been married for 25 years and have gone through good and difficult times. No one ever said that marriage was easy once they got married, right? So from my perspective as well as from what I have noticed within marriages around me, let us reflect on a few things that add stress to a marriage. I will also make recommendations on what I think could help in eliminating what I call “toughies” in the marriage that creates stress and avoid us from being relaxed.

I find myself regularly amongst women and listen to what they talk about. Once you get to know them better, they don’t just speak with the mouth, but they start “talking” with their hearts. This is also true for men. I have had this discussion with my husband who is in agreement that it is pretty much the same. So what do people say?

In an ever changing world of rapid growth and a race to survive, people focus on work, work and work. The saying is that money makes the world go round and to survive you need money. I off course say, you need God and if you choose Him first, the rest will follow. Some work long hours just to make it through the month and others because they have had a taste of having the world at your fingertips, meaning that they can have what they want, when they want, with whom they want. For them it has become a lifestyle of more, which is never enough for them. In all of this, where does that leave relationships as God intended it to be? The story of life is that you are born, grow up, go to school, find a job, earn a salary, meet a spouse, marry, have kids, work more to pay the bills and take care of the family and ultimately retire. No matter how you look at it, it is a flow of life with you adding the décor to it.

Now there is nothing wrong with this natural flow, in fact it is very exciting. As young boys and girls we dreamt of meeting that one special person whom you want to spent the rest of your life with and when it happens you are the happiest person in the world. This is great and together you tackle everything together. You work hard to create a family home and to care for your children. Once the kids arrive, you realise that it takes more effort to provide for everyone financially and often people find themselves having to work two jobs or longer hours to bring in a higher salary. Dads often feel they can’t look after their families and moms often feel that the family will rather do with less but would like to have dad home more often. In these modern times, the roles are often reversed with moms working extra hours or in some cases both parents come home in the evenings with housekeepers who had to take care of the children and cooking.

Dear reader, I want to state here, that there is nothing wrong in having a great career, no matter if you are a man or women and if you have to work late, so be it but somewhere we have to draw the line. We have to have boundaries and if we don’t put in an effort, we so easily move over the boundaries which eventually simply becomes our norm. I often had to work late and would come home after my husband with the sun that has already set. Many times it would be the other way around. Then there is supper and kids waiting for attention and by the time the kitchen is cleaned and the washing has been done, both of us would be so tired that you just want to get in at least 5 hours sleep before the next round starts in the morning. Hence, hours and days would past with no deep conversations between man and women, other than daily routine. Doing this for days, weeks, months and years simply has a negative effect and we as married men and women have to ensure that we make time for our families. I want to take it a step further, we have to make time for our spouses. Yes, family time is crucial, but you also need time to relax with your spouse. This is of utmost importance.

We often hear how men/women with such busy work lives, live past each other and often this opens a door for satan to plant a seed for adultery or simply just to loose communication and that special friendship you once had. So, married couples be on alert that you do not fall into this trap. If you have to work late make sure who you are with and know the boundaries. Make sure you leave work to be on time for supper and to spend at least an hour with your kids and some quality time with your spouse. It is after all our own choice to say yes or no. I want to encourage men/women who work long hours to really put in an effort to give quality time to your spouses. It is not always about how many hours but about the quality of the time we give. We need to work in family time and we need to work in enough time to relax in each other’s company. We also need time for ourselves. So how on earth do we balance all of this out? With effort and making the right choices.

As a family, our schedule is very busy. For years we have had to balance out my husband’s work schedule in terms of extra hours and doing a great deal of travelling, me having a busy work schedule and studying after hours, being involved in ministry work and having 2 kids with their own schedules. Many ask us how we get it right to do everything and still be happy as a family. I will share our advice with you and trust that it will help you if you find yourself in similar situations. The first few is to make sure that you know your true identity in Christ as this forms the basis for any relationship.

1. God must be King of your lives and Jesus Christ your personal Saviour. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and the rest will follow. You see God is peace and God is love and when you base your relationship and decisions in your life, business, marriage and family on Him, you will succeed. (Mat 6:33)

2. Men, take up your roles as prophet, priest and king of your house. As Christ is that for you, you are appointed in those roles for the household He has given you. Where men are in relationship with Jesus, their household will be also serve Christ. If this happens in homes, communities will serve Christ and where communities serve Christ, a country will be saved and serve Christ. Can you see the ripple effect of one man changing his life to serve the Lord? It is the answer for the world and it is free, yet people do not make the choice. (Acts 16:30 – 31).

3. Women should serve the Lord and keep themselves clean and be submissive to their husbands. They are their own person yes, but as the man must consult with his wife for her inputs, he still needs to make the final decisions. (Eph 5:22 – 23, 1 Pet 3)

4. Live and do everything in love. (1 Cor 13)

5. Take all the decisions of your life to God for confirmation. He will always guide you. (Jer 33:3). This means all decisions for your family and for your work.

6. Say NO! There are times that you have to say no. If you say yes to all invitations, then you will never be at home. When you have a business trip and return on a Friday, you simply should not be available for any other business appointments over the weekend. Give quality time to your family. You even need to make sure that you give alone time to your family by saying NO to friends sometimes.

7. Have at least 1 date night with your spouse per month. Take turns to arrange it as a surprise. Keep it romantic. Dress up sometimes and other times do the things you know your spouse likes whether it is a picnic under the stars or a walk on the beach.

8. Remember the special things you did when you were dating and do them regularly. It can be a note in a lunch box or a flower placed under the windscreen wipers. It could be a poem you right or a song you sing. Perhaps it is a nice hot tub with bubbles for me time (alone with a glass of the person’s favourite drink) just to allow the person to unwind while the other prepare supper. Think back, think hard and allow those special things to return – they should never have gone away in the first place. Yes, with kids they might have gotten less, but it should never have gone away.

9. Don’t always take friends with on family holidays. Make sure that your family holiday is indeed that, a family holiday where your play games and relax in each other’s company. When kids do their own things or are asleep, add extra wood on the fire and chat with your spouse for that is what friends do. Speak your heart, share your dreams and plan future events together.

10. Have at least one cup of coffee/tea together per day without the television or phones close by. Just sit, relax and talk in each other’s company.

11. Never lose your friendship in your marriage. When something exciting happens, phone your spouse first and tell them. When something bad happens, do the same for you are married for both good and bad times. Be open and honest and never keep secrets from your love one. It is easier to work through something that was a mistake than to work through the mistake and the lie which broke trust.

There you have it. Much advice but it works. I am still in love with my husband after 25 years. He still makes my heart beat fast and even when we have difficult times, we get through it every single time.

Dear reader, bottom line, have Christ as Your decision maker, learn to say NO, make and give quality time for your loved ones. When all of this is done, you will realise that it all contributes to being more relax in your marriage and when challenges come, you can get through them for the foundation is right.

I hope it helps! It is our winning recipe and never fails for it is rock solid in our foundation on Christ.

Lots of love

Princess K