A guide to a better marriage

A GUIDE TO A BETTER MARRIAGE

WRITTEN BY PRINCESS K

Click here to download this E-Book

The E-Book you are about to read is a combination of my Matrimonial Articles, focusing on the word MARRIAGE. In many of these articles I will reflect on my experience of being married for 25 years. The titles of these articles are as follows:

M – Me, Myself and I

A – Adjust – Introvert meets Extrovert

R – Rock Solid

R – Relax

I – Inspire

A – Affection

G – Grow

E – Eternal

M – Me, Myself and I & A – Adjust – Introvert meets Extrovert

Do you remember the first time when you saw your partner and the feelings that it stirred up inside of you? I remember how I felt 25 years ago when I met the love of my life. I was 18 and he, 23. I remember how my stomach turned on the inside and how my heart was pounding so hard that I was convinced he could hear it sitting next to me. Not only was I in love, I was lost in that love.

Nothing else was more important than seeing him and spending time with him. I could not sleep nor eat and every time the phone rang I pushed everyone out of the way, knowing it was for me. He saw in me, what every else obviously missed. He treated me like a princess, his princess. I obviously did the same to him, as he chose me to become his bride.

So, you have fallen in love and got married and now honeymoon is over and real life as married couple kicked in. No more visiting, but a matter of living together, sharing everything that previously only had one owner. Previously it did not matter how either did things differently because the “in love” feeling was greater than the few things you did not like. However, now being married the focus has shifted from you and me, to us. Introvert meets extrovert in full force and suddenly individual preferences becomes stronger. Often in order to survive, the me, myself and I stand up.

She is introverted and he well spoken. She wants reflection time; he wants to move on. She prefers alone time once in a while, he wants friends over every weekend. She wants clothes to be put in the cupboard, he sees it unnecessary as he will be wearing it again tomorrow. Does this all sound familiar? In the beginning you swallow and smile but after many years of the same things repeating itself, it tends to get out of hand and unnecessary words are spoken and actions taken which often when not resolved ends up one of the reasons for divorce, with people saying something like “we are just to different and not really compatible.”

It is normal for a person to desire to be heard and considered. So when that freedom of speech is suppressed on a continuous basis over some time, it will manifest somewhere else as something else. Some people are challenged with depression, others loose interest in their partners, some simply feel that love has died and others loose every bit of respect they had for their spouse. They often then, when not allowed to speak their mind at home, force themselves on others at work or amongst their friends only to lose their respect as well. What would be typical things not dealt with in a marriage? It could be many of which I mention a few:

Time to hear each other’s hearts about the things you do not appreciate.
Consideration of each other’s preferences and feelings.
Making time to do something special to rekindle that special love.
Stand back when the mood is not great and allow the other person “me” time to reflect.
Not being judgmental.
Putting in an effort to stay healthy, dress well and making your spouse say “WOW” when they see you.

Not comparing your partner with someone else etc.

What I am trying to say is that you married the love of your life because of who he/she is, so don’t try to change them to become you. I’m sure you don’t want to be married to yourself? Adjustment is inevitable. To survive you have to adjust but this does not mean that you lose yourself. You are still the one who he/she fell in love with, but simply choose to adjust to accommodate the preferences and feelings of both. That is why it is also important to sit down prior to the marriage and again once married and come to certain agreements.

Also do not try to reach agreements on things when the mood is not right. Cook a great dinner, sit down and relax and agree to discuss matters as part of a family meeting. Each get a chance to say how they feel and make suggestions to solve it. What is then important is to keep to those agreements. Remember, if you want someone to take note of how you feel, you must speak up. Again remember it is not about speaking up but about how you do it and when you do it. If it is judgmental, you will not get the desired response you are looking for. Over the years, I have learnt that I do not have to compete for a place in the house. I should know my place as God already ordained that for me in the Word.

So, whether introvert or extrovert, allow yourself to be you, but with a twist. Stay humble, don’t allow the me, myself and I to take over. Share your feelings and come to an agreement to adjust in your ways where need be. Remember, you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps 139:14) and therefore you are worthy. Your worthiness does not come from how others define you. Your worthiness is sealed in Christ. Furthermore, stay humble in everything you do, then God will lift you up (James 4:10). When both husband and wife applies this truth in the Word of God, I tell you today that together in Christ you both will have no difficulty in facing challenges coming your way.

Do I still after 25 years feel like I am my husband’s princess? Yes, I do! Does my stomach still make a turn when he walks into the house after a day’s work? Yes, it does! Has everything been sunshine and roses? Off course not! We are only human and for 25 years we have worked through me, myself and I as well as made many adjustments. We are still introvert verses extrovert and from time to time there are still games but with one difference, we both walk away as winners!

R – Rock Solid

Being married for 25 years to the love of my life, we often get the question how on earth do we get it right? What is the recipe for staying married for 25 years? In this article I will share one of the reasons why we are still married and how we keep our marriage rock solid.

Friendship. When I met my husband, it was the first time ever that there was someone who wanted to be with me, for who I am and not because of the way I looked or any other earthly thing. I remember when we met and he told me within 24 hours that he was going to marry me. We lived about 150 km from each other, but he drove to our house basically every single weekend just to spend time with me.

From the moment we met, we could sit and talk for hours about anything. I did not only meet the love of my life, I also met my best friend on earth. This friendship has grown deeper every year and is of such that even if we are kilometres apart, we feel each other’s hearts. Just at the right time I will get a phone call, asking me how I am doing. In this friendship many things have happened that tried to break our strong bond, but every time, with God’s help, we worked through it and walked out stronger than before.

The challenge is often not to be content in taking the friendship for granted. You have to keep working at it, spending quality time together and sharing inner feelings. Like any friendship, the friendship in your marriage is hard work and be alert to the schemes of the devil, to break the tie. Remember, satan hates love, for love overcame him on the cross and therefore he will do anything to break up friendships and relationships. So, friendship in your marriage should never be exchanged for just being man and wife.

You are man and wife with a friendship relationship. If you have lost that friendship in your relationship I pray that in the name of Jesus, you go back to that first time you fell in love. Speak to your partner and allow yourselves to look at why there is no more friendship. Make sure that you work yourself back to being friends again. It might not be easy, but it can be done (Phil 4:13). Write down the things you want to change to make it happen by taking action.

Integrity. According to dictionary.com, integrity is “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.” I do believe that integrity is critical to having a rock solid marriage. Two people meet and when in love and marry, they become one (Mark 10:8). Each have their own personality and although different, it is a perfect fit for marriage. This is because they love each other for who they are. Each one coming into the marriage brings moral principles and any relationship is built on trust. This forms a foundation for the new family and what is critical here is that the moral principles should be based on the principles set out in the Word of God on how Christians should live. (Col 3:18 – Col 4:1, Tim 3:4, Gal 5:22 – 23, Mark 10:19, 1 Cor 7:1 – 16) Often here is where things go wrong.

Principles are often worldly and therefore lack the blessing of God. This is steering a family in the wrong direction. Remember living according to God’s principles is what makes the marriage rock solid. If not, it is looking for disaster. The other part to integrity is trust. According to dictionary.com, trust means “a firm belief in reliability, truth or ability of someone or something.” In other words, confidence, belief, and faith in someone.

A relationship should be built on mutual trust and respect. Hence, each man and woman getting married, must trust and respect each other. What is important here is that if that trust and respect is not firmly in place when you get married, it often leads to harm. You see, we have to trust each other 100% and respect each other’s viewpoints, bodies and privacy.

We need to talk about it, telling each other what is important for us and come to an agreement on that before we marry. I want to give an example. So often you hear how married couples go out individually on a ladies or men’s evening. What is your idea about this? I say it is great when men spend man time and women, woman time. However, then it should be in a group where the people build each other up, go to a place where Jesus would go and doing things that God would approve of.

If this is not the case, we allow opportunity for satan to launch an attack on trust. Then, rather not do it. In our marriage it works like this. Firstly, the friends we choose are also in Christ and hence they see things like we do. When ladies have a ladies’ night, it would be in a restaurant, coffee shop or a movie night at the house. The men will also do a restaurant or a barbeque when they just talk men stuff. No harm and no trust broken.

In these visits we cry together, laugh together, pray together and build each other up. Going home, you are ready to face your partner in love. Some might say, where is the fun in it…. well the fun in it is to go home and still have a partner who loves you, respects you and trusts you unconditionally. You will always feel welcome, appreciated and excited to know that after a long day of work, there is someone at home waiting to receive you in love. Someone who thinks the world of you.

Yes, sometimes we make mistakes and then it is critical to be honest about it. To lie will make matters worse. God loves us too much to let us live in a lie, hence He will always bring out the truth. So if you have done wrong, be honest and work through it. If trust is broken, you have to work through restoring trust. However, if it involved a lie after the event has occurred, it means you now have to work through the issue that broke the trust as well as the lie that was lived. Double trouble and double the work to rebuild the trust.

Christ – Our Rock. So here you are in friendship, having a marriage build on integrity with mutual respect and trust. What is the main foundation to keep that friendship and marriage solid? Christ, and Christ alone! Amen! A relationship not build on Christ means it is built on worldly principles. We are not perfect right? We make mistakes but if a relationship is built on Christ our rock, you will always have the strength to work through it (Phil 4:13). When you need to forgive, you do it, although it might be difficult. You forgive for that is what Christ did. He forgave you when He died on the cross for you.

You continue to love, because that is what Christ does every day, even though we sin every day. Here I give you 1 Cor 13 on love. It says it all. Love is patient, kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud and it does not dishonour others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered and it keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails. This is having a marriage with Christ as foundation. Only with Christ can you forgive and move on. Christ alone can restore trust and heal your heart permanently.

Dear reader, is your marriage rock solid? If not, let Christ take over and give yourself and your marriage to Him. He will not disappoint you. If you are alone in serving Christ, keep praying for your partner to meet the Lord. I believe when we pray for the salvation of souls, God will hear our prayers, for that is also His wish. To all in marriage I quote 1 Pet 5:8 “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Be in Christ, be alert, watch out and make the right decisions. With this, you will always be one step ahead of the enemy.

R – Relax

I have been married for 25 years and have gone through good and difficult times. No one ever said that marriage was easy once they got married, right? So from my perspective as well as from what I have noticed within marriages around me, let us reflect on a few things that add stress to a marriage. I will also make recommendations on what I think could help in eliminating what I call “toughies” in the marriage that creates stress and avoid us from being relaxed.

I find myself regularly amongst women and listen to what they talk about. Once you get to know them better, they don’t just speak with the mouth, but they start “talking” with their hearts. This is also true for men. I have had this discussion with my husband who is in agreement that it is pretty much the same. So what do people say?

In an ever changing world of rapid growth and a race to survive, people focus on work, work and work. The saying is that money makes the world go round and to survive you need money. I off course say, you need God and if you choose Him first, the rest will follow. Some work long hours just to make it through the month and others because they have had a taste of having the world at your fingertips, meaning that they can have what they want, when they want, with whom they want.

For them it has become a lifestyle of more, which is never enough for them. In all of this, where does that leave relationships as God intended it to be? The story of life is that you are born, grow up, go to school, find a job, earn a salary, meet a spouse, marry, have kids, work more to pay the bills and take care of the family and ultimately retire. No matter how you look at it, it is a flow of life with you adding the décor to it. Now there is nothing wrong with this natural flow, in fact it is very exciting. As young boys and girls we dreamt of meeting that one special person whom you want to spent the rest of your life with and when it happens you are the happiest person in the world. This is great and together you tackle everything together. You work hard to create a family home and to care for your children.

Once the kids arrive, you realise that it takes more effort to provide for everyone financially and often people find themselves having to work two jobs or longer hours to bring in a higher salary. Dads often feel they can’t look after their families and moms often feel that the family will rather do with less but would like to have dad home more often. In these modern times, the roles are often reversed with moms working extra hours or in some cases both parents come home in the evenings with housekeepers who had to take care of the children and cooking.

Dear reader, I want to state here, that there is nothing wrong in having a great career, no matter if you are a man or women and if you have to work late, so be it but somewhere we have to draw the line. We have to have boundaries and if we don’t put in an effort, we so easily move over the boundaries which eventually simply becomes our norm. I often had to work late and would come home after my husband with the sun that has already set. Many times it would be the other way around.

Then there is supper and kids waiting for attention and by the time the kitchen is cleaned and the washing has been done, both of us would be so tired that you just want to get in at least 5 hours sleep before the next round starts in the morning. Hence, hours and days would past with no deep conversations between man and women, other than daily routine. Doing this for days, weeks, months and years simply has a negative effect and we as married men and women have to ensure that we make time for our families. I want to take it a step further, we have to make time for our spouses. Yes, family time is crucial, but you also need time to relax with your spouse. This is of utmost importance.

We often hear how men/women with such busy work lives, live past each other and often this opens a door for satan to plant a seed for adultery or simply just to loose communication and that special friendship you once had. So, married couples be on alert that you do not fall into this trap. If you have to work late make sure who you are with and know the boundaries. Make sure you leave work to be on time for supper and to spend at least an hour with your kids and some quality time with your spouse.

It is after all our own choice to say yes or no. I want to encourage men/women who work long hours to really put in an effort to give quality time to your spouses. It is not always about how many hours but about the quality of the time we give. We need to work in family time and we need to work in enough time to relax in each other’s company. We also need time for ourselves. So how on earth do we balance all of this out? With effort and making the right choices.

As a family, our schedule is very busy. For years we have had to balance out my husband’s work schedule in terms of extra hours and doing a great deal of travelling, me having a busy work schedule and studying after hours, being involved in ministry work and having 2 kids with their own schedules. Many ask us how we get it right to do everything and still be happy as a family. I will share our advice with you and trust that it will help you if you find yourself in similar situations. The first few is to make sure that you know your true identity in Christ as this forms the basis for any relationship.

God must be King of your lives and Jesus Christ your personal Saviour. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and the rest will follow. You see God is peace and God is love and when you base your relationship and decisions in your life, business, marriage and family on Him, you will succeed. (Mat 6:33)

Men, take up your roles as prophet, priest and king of your house. As Christ is that for you, you are appointed in those roles for the household He has given you. Where men are in relationship with Jesus, their household will be also serve Christ. If this happens in homes, communities will serve Christ and where communities serve Christ, a country will be saved and serve Christ. Can you see the ripple effect of one man changing his life to serve the Lord? It is the answer for the world and it is free, yet people do not make the choice. (Acts 16:30 – 31).

Women should serve the Lord and keep themselves clean and be submissive to their husbands. They are their own person yes, but as the man must consult with his wife for her inputs, he still needs to make the final decisions. (Eph 5:22 – 23, 1 Pet 3)

Live and do everything in love. (1 Cor 13)

Take all the decisions of your life to God for confirmation. He will always guide you. (Jer 33:3). This means all decisions for your family and for your work.

Say NO! There are times that you have to say no. If you say yes to all invitations, then you will never be at home. When you have a business trip and return on a Friday, you simply should not be available for any other business appointments over the weekend. Give quality time to your family. You even need to make sure that you give alone time to your family by saying NO to friends sometimes.

Have at least 1 date night with your spouse per month. Take turns to arrange it as a surprise. Keep it romantic. Dress up sometimes and other times do the things you know your spouse likes whether it is a picnic under the stars or a walk on the beach.

Remember the special things you did when you were dating and do them regularly. It can be a note in a lunch box or a flower placed under the windscreen wipers. It could be a poem you right or a song you sing. Perhaps it is a nice hot tub with bubbles for me time (alone with a glass of the person’s favourite drink) just to allow the person to unwind while the other prepare supper. Think back, think hard and allow those special things to return – they should never have gone away in the first place. Yes, with kids they might have gotten less, but it should never have gone away.

Don’t always take friends with on family holidays. Make sure that your family holiday is indeed that, a family holiday where your play games and relax in each other’s company. When kids do their own things or are asleep, add extra wood on the fire and chat with your spouse for that is what friends do. Speak your heart, share your dreams and plan future events together.

Have at least one cup of coffee/tea together per day without the television or phones close by. Just sit, relax and talk in each other’s company.

Never lose your friendship in your marriage. When something exciting happens, phone your spouse first and tell them. When something bad happens, do the same for you are married for both good and bad times. Be open and honest and never keep secrets from your love one. It is easier to work through something that was a mistake than to work through the mistake and the lie which broke trust.

There you have it. Much advice but it works. I am still in love with my husband after 25 years. He still makes my heart beat fast and even when we have difficult times, we get through it every single time.

Dear reader, bottom line, have Christ as Your decision maker, learn to say NO, make and give quality time for your loved ones. When all of this is done, you will realise that it all contributes to being more relax in your marriage and when challenges come, you can get through them for the foundation is right.

I hope it helps! It is our winning recipe and never fails for it is rock solid in our foundation on Christ.

I – Inspire

After school, I did not have the opportunity to undertake studies. I went on in finding a job, working as a clerk. I met my husband and married young, moving away from home. Being a military officer, his career took him away from home many times and therefore my main priority was to give a stable home to our kids. I also started working and enjoyed learning new things, setting a goal for myself that once my husband completed most of his military courses, I wanted to obtain a higher qualification.

Ten years later, my husband was appointed to a different post, which included him being more permanently at home. Within two months after we moved I enrolled for studies and achieved my goal three years later. I shared this experience with you because you see if it was not for my husband’s motivation and inspiration, I would not have gotten so far.

Although I was good enough for him as his wife and the mother of his children, he inspired me to follow my dreams.

Many years later, I embarked upon studies again and this time the commitment to work long hours and study after hours was tiring. Yet, he once again inspired me to see it through. He gave me a whole year of his life by taking responsibility for shopping, house work and cooking when he returned from work, so that I could have enough time to dedicate to my studies. When I stood on the stage to receive my diploma and reward, I gave God honour but also acknowledged that without my husband’s inspiration, I would not have been where I am. He believes in me. He motivates me. He inspires me.

I have worked with people that do not have the support or inspiration from their loved ones to reach higher goals. If they want to embark on something new, they are often not supported and left alone to manage the household and take on new opportunities. Hence, if the schedule is tight, the sleep is little and there is no encouragement and inspiration from a loved one, it often results in the person giving up or letting go of those dreams.

When we look at the marriage, it is about giving 100%. Both the man and the woman must give 100% of their time and commitment, which includes motivating and inspiring each other. This does not only refer to taking on something like studies, it also includes motivation to live out a passion or calling to serve others. Perhaps it means to visit the old age home once per month, play with the kids at the orphanage or just to be available to spend time with friends in order to motivate them over a cup of coffee. Sometimes it is saying encouraging words to support a healthy lifestyle and even inspiring them through participation.

When was the last time you inspired your spouse? When was the last time you told him/her that you are proud of what they do/achieve? When was the last time you asked him/her what they desire and what they want to achieve in the next five years? You might be in good communication with your spouse and you might dream together, but the next question is whether you are helping and inspiring them to reach those goals.

Perhaps it means that you will be alone for an hour after work 2 – 3 times a week when he goes out for a run, practicing for a 20km race. Perhaps sir, it means that you will look after the kids and prepare supper once a week for her to attend an art class. Whatever it might be, let us talk to our spouses and find out what is going on in their life and heart. Then, take action and help them to deal with challenges and to reach their goals. Pray together about it, adjust schedules and make an effort to support and inspire your spouse to fulfill their dreams.

When we read the Bible, there are many scriptures speaking to us about inspiration. Moses was inspired by God to take up his role to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, and he did. Noah was instructed by God to build an ark and although he was laughed at, he was inspired by God’s Word and did it, thus saving his own life, the lives of his family and the animals. Then there is Joseph who never gave up. God spoke to him in his dreams and he had a vision, inspired by God. Although he was sold by his brothers, worked as a slave, thrown in prison for something he did not do, he remained inspired by God’s truth over his life that things would be different and it happened as God said. We also read about David who through God’s inspiration, killed Goliath. We can continue reading story after story in the Bible and we see the results of inspiration.

You might say that you do not at this point in time have a spouse or loved one who motivates and inspires you. Well, don’t let that put you off. Also, don’t lose faith and be a good example. Keep loving, motivating and inspiring your spouse and trust that God will change them. Also remember, you should not be driven to reach your goals only by the motivation of others. God should be your inspiration, first and utmost! It might mean to take smaller bites for now in order to reach your dream, but take the bite, don’t put it off.

One of my favourite scriptures in the Bible is from Philippians 4:13: “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Praise God! So God loves you and he believes in You and when He says you can do everything, then you can. Put your challenges and dreams to God and ask Him for direction so that you make the right choices and follow the right approach to achieve your dreams.

Let Him guide You and confirm your path. Then, go for it! I want to encourage everyone who is married, to be married, in any form of relationship and even your family members and friends, to put in an effort to go and sit with your loved ones and ask them about the challenges they are facing. Ask them about their dreams and help them, inspire them to overcome and rise above their circumstances and reach their goals.

I glorify God for always being my inspiration to move forward. I also want to take the opportunity in this article to thank my husband for always believing in me, motivating me, inspiring me to aim higher and to make my goals a reality. I love you and appreciate you more than words can ever say.

A – Affection

I realised as I was preparing to write this article that all humans seek love and affection, although you find people who say they don’t. Many have been hurt by past experiences and hence they protect their hearts and emotions by running away or blocking out affection for the fear of being disappointed again. Others grew up with little or no example of affection between parents and hence they simply follow the lead.

However, we are created in God’s image (Gen 1:27) and God is love (1 John 4:8) and therefore the true example of affection. He showed affection beyond human understanding in the way He loved and reached out to the poor and sick. His ultimate act of affection was when He gave His son Jesus Christ to die for us whilst we were still sinners (John 3:16).

Most love stories start with a man and women meeting each other and the emotions stirred up leaves both with increased heartbeat and a turn in the stomach, mixed with nerves and excitement. You don’t want the feeling to stop and the day can’t get by quick enough for you to see each other. You write text messages till what time at night and can speak on the phone for hours. Nothing else matters anymore, only that person who stole your heart.

The feeling turns to deeper love and ultimately the couple gets married and build a family. What a lovely love story. Five, ten and twenty years go by and the family now has a tight schedule with the husband and often also the wife having to work late hours to provide for the family. Time is precious and to keep all in the family sane, first priority goes to putting food on the table and looking out for the kids. In all of this, up pops the question…….do you still show affection to your spouse as you should?

According to the online dictionary, the definition of affection is: “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking” and synonyms include words such as “fondness, love, tenderness, devotion, care, friendliness, intimacy, respect, admiration etc.” One realises that these words explain the in-love feeling for many, but at the same time it describes a wish list for many who have been married for years and long to once again have that sense of affection in their lives. Is this where you find yourself right now? Why, in so many marriages, does affection gets lesser as the years of marriage increase? Many people whom I have journeyed with in prayer responded with reasons such as No time, Kids, Tiredness, Work, no more in-love feeling.

So many romantic movies are filmed and thousands of people stream to the movie theatres every year to watch movies of affection and true love. My favourite includes Titanic and The Notebook. I took some lines of affection from The Note Book:

“I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I’ve led a common life…But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who’s ever lived: I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough.”
“You Belong with Me.”
“I think our love can do anything we want it to.”

These words meant from the heart of the one you love, restores love in any person. However, it is more than just watching a movie. Some people after watching the movies want to work on restoring affection in their marriage, whilst others refer to it as a dream.

As husband and wife I encourage you to look out for the traps that wants to steal your love and affection for each other. Identify it, avoid it and when you have fallen into the trap, get out immediately. These includes things such as the following but are not limited to:

Not having Christ as the rock of your life and the foundation of your marriage
Working extra-long hours at work
Substance abuse such as alcohol and drugs
Not working through past childhood and romantic broken relationships – these could negatively influence your view of what affection is or how you receive and show it in your marriage
Hooked on friends instead of your spouse
Following this wrong idea that in-love is only for newly-weds
Not making time for communication with your spouse
Not showing respect for another

God is love and his love and affection towards us never changes. Even when we have busy schedules and spend little time with Him, He still does not change. If we feel far from Him, it is because we have moved away and spent less time with Him. Jesus wants time with you and as you make time for Him, you will feel Him and hear Him and this dear reader is staying in love with Jesus. The more you experience Him, the more you want to be with Him. Your relationship with your spouse is exactly the same. In any relationship, love needs time and commitment. To say you love each other but to never talk or see each other will simply not work and will soon result in distance and no room for affection. You have to put in time and effort to have good communication, feel loved, appreciated and experience affection.

Here is some advice on how to work at keeping affection strong in your marriage:

Build your life, marriage, friendship and every decision on Jesus Christ, the rest will follow (Mat 6:33)
Don’t lose your friendship after getting married
Set personal time aside for each other, even if it is a nice talk over a cup of coffee after the kids went to bed
Do special things for each other without it being an effort
Know your spouse’s goals and help him/her to achieve it
Compliment your spouse
Let your spouse know that they mean the world to you
Do not compare your spouse with others
Appreciate your spouse’s body even if years have passed by – you should always be the most beautiful person to each other with no need to look around
Hold hands & hug each other regularly
Be gentle in your approach
Forgive each other for mistakes made
Respect each other and make sure that the kids show respect to your spouse
Avoid conflict – apologize and move on
Make an effort to be well groomed
Leave little notes for each other
Don’t belittle each other
Show respect
Have picnic in the garden – even if it is after 8pm when the kids sleep
Have at least one date per month (dinner, movie, stroll in the park, shopping together etc)
Kiss – yes, kiss intimately and not just hello and goodbye – kiss like when you dated
Know the intimacy needs and desires of your spouse
It should not always be about the sex – flirt, wink from across the room, make your
spouse’s heart beat faster and hence stay in love all the time

In closure, know that affection is a result of love. Work at it! Satan hates love as Ultimate Love on the Cross concurred death and hell. He will always try to break up love so be alert and work at keeping love and affection in your marriage. Praise God, after 26 years, my husband and I are still in love. We love, joke and do almost everything together. He is not just my husband; he is my friend. Our marriage is built on Christ and when satan attacks, we submit to God, resist the devil and he flees (James 4:7).

If you are experiencing affection in your marriage, keep working at it, stay alert and stand against satan’s attacks by putting on the full Armor of God (Eph 6). If you are in a very difficult situation in your marriage where you feel there is simply no more love and hope, I want to tell you that God can change your situation around. It is never too late; but you must want it, must have faith in Him and let Him fight for you! He separated the sea (Ex 14) for the Israelites to pass through when it seemed hopeless. He raised Lazarus from the dead (John 11). Trust Him, He can change your situation around (Mark 10:27).

If you have challenges to keep affection strong in your marriage, sit with your spouse and unpack the suitcase to determine what went wrong. Work on a strategic plan to make improvements but start off with making sure that Christ is the foundation. Then, take it step by step and remember sometimes change takes time. Don’t rush it and celebrate every victory. Keep the faith, don’t delay and start today.

References: www.crosswalk.com & www.marriagemissions.com

G – Growth

One would think that after a few years of marriage, a couple would know everything there is to know about each other. Correct? Well, I’m not so convinced that the answer in always yes. When I talk to couples it seems that they know each other’s weak points and trigger points very well, but surely there is more to a friendship in a marriage than that.

When you fall in love with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you make an effort to get to know that person before you get married. However, as much as you think you know someone, the actual growth kicks in the longer you spend time together.

Hence, once married, the little things you use to ignore, now becomes irritating issues and when not solved, it creates arguments. Unsolved arguments can result in challenges in your love life and intimacy is directly affected. This is a critical stage of red alert, as love is why you married in the first place.

When I pray and have conversations with couples, it is often mentioned that in their relationship with their spouse, they feel alone and that the one does not understand the other’s goals, dreams and way of thinking. Well, this is not something that cannot be solved. What is critical in any relationship, whether you are just dating, engaged or married for years, is that you have to learn to grow with that person.

Remember we are all growing in every aspect of our lives as life takes us on life’s journey. We don’t all know everything about life or even ourselves and hence we grow as time grows. However, what is important is that you have to grow together.

Communication is therefore vital in the growth process. Even before you get married and then also thereafter, make sure that you spend quality time together to get to know each other on a deeper level.

Yes, one could pull out many books and research articles by Psychologists and marriage counsellors on what to do and not to do, but my advice listed below is based on my relationship with Jesus Christ and 26 years of marriage.

Get to know about each other:

Strengths and weaknesses.
First and second choices.
Favourite colours.
Favourite food and drinks.
Favourite treats.
Favourite places.
Favourite stores.
Passions, talents and dreams.
Life goals.
Heart desires.
Intimacy needs.
Romantic needs etc.

I have named but a few things, yet they are things of utmost importance. What we need to remember is that one should not just know these things but one should know why your spouse has identified those choices. Also respect each other’s differences whilst being prepared to adjust where needed to make the relationship work, without completely changing yourself or expecting the other person to change completely for you. Remember, you don’t want to change a person into becoming you because then it will be like being married to yourself.

Furthermore, remember that as people grow in themselves whilst on life’s journey, they too will adjust in the choices they make. Grow with your spouse. When both the husband and the wife makes the decision to grow together, it just makes the process easier. When you know what to expect, you can be prepared to act and react accordingly when challenges arise.

Remember, a tree does not automatically rise to a great height in a few days after the first sign of life occurred. No, it starts of as a seed and then it grows high after having fertile soil with plenty of water. When any plant and flower gets the right amount of attention, it blooms but you need to know how much water and fertilizer it requires. You need to know whether it wants a lot of sunlight or does it prefer to grow in the shade.

It also anchors itself in the ground through its roots. The same applies for your marriage. Start off in the right manner by having Jesus Christ as the King of your hearts and base all your decisions on His guidance. Hence, it is critical to grow together, but to grow together in Christ. When you as individuals grow in Christ, growth in your marriage is guaranteed.

Col 1:9 – 10: “…. We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God.”

Ps 92:12 – 14: “The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the LORD, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green.”

Dear reader, make time, yes even after being married for twenty years, to keep growing with your spouse. Make sure to share your heart and dreams with each other and you will grow the most beautiful flowers together. Others would see the flowers you grow and they would want to pick them for their garden, but rather share your secret of growing in Christ with them so that that too can produce flowers of their own.

E – Eternal

I married my husband at the age of 19 and I remember what an awesome feeling it was to leave the house to go and live with the love of my life. He was secure in himself and really made me feel special and loved. Today, looking back on 26 years of marriage, I realise that I still feel the same. The only difference is that my love for him is now deeper than ever before. I can’t imagine loving him more, but I do and it grows deeper every day. Glory to God!

When you marry, everything is perfect and that is because love established in Christ is perfect! We as humans are not perfect in everything we do and say and therefore, we make mistakes. However, the love of Christ in us is perfect and when we love others with that love, it can’t fail. The question then, why does so many marriages not work out and why do people give up on the love they had for the other person?

I don’t have all the answers but from life experiences and the Word of God I can say the following. Love is eternal when it comes from God. When you go into a relationship, it is very important that both parties know the Lord and have a personal relationship with Him. Now when I married my husband was not in a personal relationship with Christ, but he knew God and believed in Jesus. He went to church in search of what God had for him and he found it. He found the eternal love of Jesus Christ.

Many people go into relationships where they either don’t believe in Jesus or there is only one who loves the Lord. The challenges we face daily are fierce, whether people believe in the Lord or not. Having to deal with dishonesty, betrayal, lies, financial difficulties, retrenchments, illness etc. are what all humans face in this world. How then do people cope with all these things in business and family life?

When things are tough you normally go to the ones you love for comfort but when either one of the loved ones were the cause of the challenge, it is somewhat more difficult. Your love for your spouse must be strong enough to face the greatest challenge so that when things fall apart, you don’t end up turning on each other.

Often, when things hit rock bottom, accuse and un-forgiveness for past mistakes come in and then instead of standing on your love, you move apart from another until it feels like there is no more love left. In many instances where people are not in Christ, they simply walk out of the marriage. They don’t forgive and they don’t heal. Sometimes, they do forgive but don’t see love being restored, hence why continue with the marriage?

I would like to tell you today that if your marriage is built on Christ, then you have a solid foundation. Even in times of difficulty, God will not leave you nor forsake you (Jos 1:5). You might feel all alone and even if you feel like you can’t forgive your partner after he/she has failed you, you have Jesus to turn to. His love in you will help you to work through disappointments, to forgive, forget and to love again.

Jesus restores broken hearts, to the degree that your love will be stronger than ever before. He takes what has happened and turns it into a testimony so that you can be a witness to others. God knows that we are human and he knows that in challenges it will not be easy, that is why He gave us 1 Cor 13 which talks about love. Let us first look at it from the angle of what love is not and then what love is.

What is love not?

“It does not envy”
“It does not boast”
“It is not proud”
“It is not rude”
“It is not self-seeking”
“It is not easily angered”
“It keeps no record of wrongs”
“Love does not delight in evil”

What is love?

“Love is patient”
“Love is kind”
“It rejoices with the truth”
“It always protects”
“Always trusts”
“Always hopes”
“Always perseveres”
“Love never fails’

In the final verse of 1 Cor 13 it says: “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” Therefore, we see clearly that God knows that life is not easy and he knows we make mistakes and therefore the guideline in 1 Cor 13. Even if we slipped on one of the listed things, you have to read it and live it out as a unity in order to exercise true love. Don’t hammer on one thing, focus on it in totality. For example, don’t lie, but also don’t keep record of the wrongs. 1 Cor 13 is not just there to be read as a nice piece of scripture at your wedding. It is there for you to read daily and to practice what it says.

Jesus died for us all and therefore He, through eternal love for us, set us free. Praise God! So now, let Jesus be the foundation of your marriage and build your love, friendship, relationship and decisions on Him. Let the love of Christ in you, which can’t be contained, overflow to your spouse through the working of the Holy Spirit in you. Choose right, before making a decision that could hurt your love. When there are challenges and mistakes are made, talk about it and say how you feel. Cry if you want to, scream if you want to, but do not give up on love. Find a solution by asking God for wisdom (James 1:5). Love is eternal and so should your marriage be if it is based on Jesus Christ. Remember, Jesus love did not give up on us as He died on that cross for me and you in order for us to be free. You are not strong enough to do it alone, but if Jesus is in you, you have the strength to do anything (Phil 4:13).

Lastly, if you are not married yet, be sure to confirm who God wants you to marry. Marriage is great but not easy and I am talking from the perspective of having Jesus in our lives and marriage. When you choose to marry someone who is not in Christ, it is double the effort to make it work.

Be sure that God confirmed your marriage to the man/woman you have chosen. Also, if you are married already and your spouse is not in Christ, keep your faith in Christ (Isa 7:9) and continue to pray for the salvation of your spouse. Continue to shower him/her with love. I know this might not be easy, but I do know that love in Christ, never fails! Amen.

If you have never invited Jesus into your heart, this is the opportunity right here and right now. Trust me, you can’t do this on your own. If you want to invite Jesus into your heart, life and marriage, please read below.

ACCEPT JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE TODAY AND BE SET FREE!

“For God had such love for the world that he gave his only Son, so that whoever has faith in him may not come to destruction but have eternal life.” John 3:16. ”I am the true and living way: no one comes to the Father but by Me.” John 14:6 “If the Son sets you free you are free indeed.” John 8:36

Jesus is calling on you today, what will you do?

The fact that you continued reading, means that you already made the decision in your heart to accept a new life, a life with Christ, a life which will bring you much joy and happiness, but most of all give you eternal life with God!

Rev 3:20 says: “See, I am waiting at the door and giving the sign; if my voice comes to any man’s ears and he makes the door open, I will come in to him, and will take food with him and he with me.”

Jesus “knocks” on our doors on a regular basis but He does not force us to open it, He leaves that choice to us. Today you have made the choice to open the door and let Jesus in and because of that the Heaven and all its angels are singing of joy for you have been saved!

“Even so, I say to you, there is joy among the angels of God, when one sinner is turned away from his wrongdoing.” Luke 15:10

What the Bible says

“Go in by the narrow door; for wide is the door and open is the way which goes to destruction, and great numbers go in by it. For narrow is the door and hard the road to life, and only a small number make discovery of it.” Matt 7:13-14 “For we all have to come before Christ to be judged; so that every one of us may get his reward for the things done in the body, good or bad. 2 Cor 5:10 “I am the bread of life. He who comes to Me will never be in need of food, and he who has faith in Me will never be in need of drink.” John 6:35 “For of Him, and through Him, and to Him, are all things. Romans 11:36 “Come to me, all you who are troubled and weighted down with care, and I will give you rest.” Matt 11:28

The next step

Now that you have made the decision to change your life, you need to put the past behind you and start over. Say this prayer (or any other prayer in your own words) to accept Jesus in your life:

Father God, I acknowledge that You are the one and only God. Jesus I acknowledge that You are the Son of God and that You came to earth, died on the cross for my sins and overcame death through the resurrection. Jesus I acknowledge that You are now in Heaven and preparing a way for me. Will You come live in my heart? Holy Spirit I now welcome You into my heart. Father in the name of Jesus please forgive me all the sins I have committed. Please be what I say, think and do so that I will know and do the will of my God. Amen!

A final word

Congratulations on accepting Jesus as your Saviour today! Glory to God! Praise the Lord!

If you are a child of God, remember that you need to on a daily basis, proclaim that Jesus is King over every area of your life. Daily, you must break curses satan puts over your life and in place of that proclaim that by the blood of Jesus you are saved and protected. Call in victory over your marriage, children, families, communities, areas where you live, your work, health and finances. “For you at one time were dark, but now are light in the Lord: let your behaviour be that of children of light.” Eph 5:8

One of the most important Books you should read is your Bible, so please take the time to read it and you will be amazed how it will change your life and way of thinking!

Prayer/talking to Jesus is THE most powerful tool you have, no matter where you are or what you are doing!

Thank you for reading this E-Book. If you would like to send us a prayer request or simply talk to us, you can get in contact with us through our website at www.jesustomyrescue.com, www.facebook.com/jesustomyrescue, e-mail support@jesustomyrescue.com

Lots of Love,

Princess K