It is late in the evening and I am the only one awake. As the rain falls softly against the window, I wonder through the house. First, into my daughter’s bedroom and then my son’s. They lie warm and peacefully asleep, unaware of my presence. I look at them and realise how much they have grown, how much they have changed. Yet, as I place a kiss on their foreheads, I pray God’s love over their future. I pray for my son that He will acknowledge the power of God in Him to fight the bullies at school, who are trying to break him down. I pray for my daughter who is a young adult and who are now entering the grown up world full of challenges and cruelty. As I pray and look at them, I see my own life and how I have grown into the woman I am.
As I climb into bed, I am grateful that we are safe and warm. As I lie awake, I hear the breathing of my husband sleeping next to me and I realise that he gives me so much peace and security. He loves me unconditionally and at that moment with tears in my eyes and lump in my throat I realise just how privilege I am to be me.
With a grate
ful heart and a body that is not ready to go to sleep, I am taken on a journey of my life with Jesus being my tour guide. As I travel in the car, sitting on the passenger seat, the car never stops at any destiny but rather drives very slowly past the different places where Jesus is taking me. As we travel, He never says a word. The first stop is at my parent’s house where I am lying on my bed as a five year old, being molested by my older sister’s friend. Tears role down my cheeks, because that affected my life for so many years. Next, I am crossing a road with my brother and am pretending that he did something wrong, almost getting me killed. I told the story so convincingly to my family that they believed me and punished him. I could look right into the situation and identified myself as a compulsive liar. As the car continued to move, I was on my knees as a twelve year old, giving my heart to Jesus and I could see how He changed my heart instantly. The next place the car drove to was my high school, and I was walking in the passageway trying to be invisible. Like so many times I heard children laughing at me, calling me skinny legs. The next place the car took me was at my workplace, after my daughter was born. I was indulging in pies and gassy drinks not to mention the sweets. When I looked at myself, I was overweight. As the drive continues, I am standing in a family member’s bedroom and the person is telling me that my hips are growing bigger. When I looked closely, I saw tears running down my face. I also saw myself standing in front of my bedroom mirror, analysing my body, telling myself that when I was thin everybody complained and now that I’m bigger, I was actually fat.
My heart was in a million pieces. The car continued to move and I saw myself on the floor many years later after my son’s birth, exercising, continuously touching myself to make sure that there was no fat on my body. As the car picked up speed, it took me pass my house in Cape Town, where I was sitting late night sharing my inmost feelings with a male friend who was not my husband. Looking at the scene as I drove past, I asked myself why I was talking to him about my personal life and not to my husband. The next place where I saw myself was in church when I broke down after a prophetess saw right through me, telling me that I had a self image problem. I was crying fiercely. We then continued on the drive and drove for a while, without anything familiar until we came to the house where I am now living in Pretoria. I saw myself lying on my bed and the next minute God is showing me a movie on a white scroll that fell from the ceiling. There I was again lying on my bed as a five year old, being molested. Suddenly the journey was over and it was again me, my thoughts and the peaceful breathing of my husband next to me.
As I lie awake, I am astonished by what I have just experienced. Being overwhelmed I think of my life and how it has changed me for the good. God had to take me back to the age of five, when I was molested. I realised in my thirty-eight years of life, I have been through many different challenges that has grown me into the woman I am today. As I close my eyes and pray, I am so thankful for how my life has changed. I prayed and forgave the person who molested me. I then prayed and asked God to forgive me for all the wrong that I have lived in my life as a result of being molested. Very importantly, I acknowledged that I am free because the minute I forgave, everything else started to fall into place. My memories changed to only the good things that happened in my life, like when I got married, had my children, holidays with my family, my baptism in the Holy Spirit etc, etc.
As I write to all the woman out there today, I ask you what is your life like? What are you being challenged with? Are you stuck in the past or maybe the present is so unbearable that you’d rather relive your past. Whatever it might be, I would like tell you today that you are a special woman. You are beautiful in every way. No matter what negative things have been said to you, God’s word says in Ps 139 that you have been fearfully and wonderfully made. Even though bad things might have happened to you, you must believe in His promise in Jer 29:11 that He has plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Furthermore, if you are stuck in the past or are experiencing a challenging present life, allow Jesus to come into your life to heal you and remove the ugly things from your life. He makes that promise in Jer 15:21 that He will save you from the hands of the wicked and redeem you from the grasp of the cruel.
Only when you realise who you truly are, can you rid yourself from the past memories that haunts you, and then getting peace from our Father God and King. And when you pray over yourself Isa 43:1, it confirms that God says “fear not for I have redeemed you, I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
So dear lady, as you read this message, know who you are. You are a daughter of the most high! Repent and bring out the past so that you can work through it to forgive and to ask forgiveness. Then, precious lady, choose life and live it daily by God’s promise over your life.
Remember who you are, a daughter of the Most High!
Father God, I worship You and You alone. Jesus You are my Redeemer and I love You! Holy Spirit I love You! Please be my everything, my every breath.
With lots of love in Jesus Name
Princess K
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